There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up: “sir… The fly is still alive.” “Ah, si” replies the swordsman “but he will never be a father”

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So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late. “So what’s the excuse this time,” she said. “Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I swear,” he slurred. “Where?” she asked. “Uhhh…I can’t remember exactly, but wherever it is, they have golden urinals.” He then proceed to pass out. Now, he had given some weird excuses before, but this one was just bizarre, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and call around town to find the golden urinal bar. After being hung up on many times, she calls the last bar in town. “Hello? I know this is going to sound weird, but do you guys have golden urinals?” The bartender then pulls the phone from his face and shouts, “Hey, Jerry! We found the guy that pissed in your saxophone.”

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A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I acquired this one.

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There was a 5 year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

“All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now ’cause the train’s getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo.”

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

“Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can’t play with your train set for two hours.”

So the boy took his nap and didn’t even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,

“Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed ’cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!”

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