A man is trying to pick up a girl in a bar consuming several alcoholic beverages. At this point, he’s pretty pissed, and is having no luck with the females. He takes a seat at the bar, and spies a younger gentleman who is attracting all the women in the bar. The drunkard approaches him and says “Oi mate, what’s your secret? How you getting all these women?”

The man replies “It’s simple. I walk up to the girl I like and say ‘Tickle your ass with a feather?’ If she likes the idea, I’m in. If she replies “Excuse me?” I casually say ‘Its starting to trickle outside, awful nasty weather’ and move on”.

“Ahh, I get you!” says the drunk.

So after a few more ales he sees an attractive looking women and stumbles up to her.

“Stick a feather up your arse?” he says.

The woman, shocked, replies “Excuse me?”.

“I said its raining like fuck outside”

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There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.To he first he said what was your biggest sin on earth? and the man replied Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said see you in 100 years and locked the door.To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man.

So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said see you in 100 years and locked the door.The third mans answer to the question was oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I cant live without it!. The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud youve ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying see you in 100 years.

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first mans room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.The devil opened the 2nd mans door and the man came running out of the room and cried IM GAY! IM GAY!. Finally the devil came to the third mans room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; hey man, got a light?

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” ‘

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An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

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