A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said “You’ve got one wish, make it snappy” The young woman said “I thought Genies gave 3 wishes”. “Not since the GFC, so what is your wish” said the Genie. The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. “See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in Peace” she said. The Genie studied the map. “WTF that’s impossible, try another wish” the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman ” I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on”. The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says “Show me that fcuking map again”

“““““

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

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While talking to girl

“Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?”

“No, what?”

“Yea, I figured you were in the first group.”

“““““

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A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.” The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”

The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?” The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?” Confused, the woman says “But, there is no fuck in broccoli.” The grocer says “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE’S NO FUCKIN’ BROCCOLI!”

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