A man is walking home alone late one foggy night… when behind him he hears: Bump… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, The coffin stops

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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

“““““

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“F*ck off!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

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A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines” said the man.

“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here.” said the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines.” said the man.

“Well, these shirts are on sale this week.” declared the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines.” repeated the man.

“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack.” offered the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines.” insisted the man.

“These sweaters are top quality.” the salesgirl probed.

“No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines.” said the man.

“Our undershirts are over here.” fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

“No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines.” the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed “Eso sí que es!”.

“Well, if you could spell it, why didn’t you do that in the beginning?” asked the exasperated salesgirl.

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