So a man is driving home from a business trip. He has a pretty low paying job, so obviously he doesn’t have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. That kind with all the monks.

And holy crap, his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures, “I bet the monks will let me stay with them while my car is repaired.” So he goes to the front gate and knocks on the door. A man in robes answers. He tells the monk his predicament and the monk, being a monk, lets him stay the night, and even helps with repair costs for his car.

While the business man is sleeping that night, he hears this strange noise. It just perplexes him, and for the life of him, he can’t figure out what it is. He decides when he wakes up in the morning, he’ll ask the monks about it.

When he wakes up, he finds the monk who he met when his car first broke down, and asks him, “Can you tell me what that noise I heard was last night?”

The monk replies, “I’m sorry, brother. I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk.” The man accepts this. He thanks the monks for their graciousness, and goes about his way when he gets his car back. 3 years later, he is driving on another buisness trip. And wouldn’t you know it, his car breaks down in front of the monastery again.

Again, he figures, he can stay the night. And, of course, the monks let him stay and offer him the same help as before.

And once again, during the night, he hears that noise. He has no idea what it could be. He decides to ask the monk once again, with hopes that he would trust him more this time around. In the morning he meets the monk again, and asks, “I’m sorry for asking again, but what is that noise!?”

The monk replies, “I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk.”

The man says, “Alright! I’ll become a monk! What do I need to do!?”

The monk replies, “I need you to travel the world, and count every blade of grass if you truly wish to become a monk.”

The man swiftly accepts and leaves all of his worldly possessions behind him to travel the world on this mission.

He goes to all corners of the globe counting grass blades.

After 50 years, he comes back to the monastery. He gives the monk accurate numbers and the monks give him monk-hood. And obviously, the first thing he wants to do is find out what that noise was. So he asks the head monk.

The head monk beckons him to follow him and he does. After a few minutes of walking through corridors and rooms, they happen upon a wooden door.

The man can hear the noise. He gets excited. The head monk hands him a brass key. He reaches with the key to the lock, and unlocks the door.

There is another door though. This time iron. And the monk hands him an iron key.

This happens again and again. So many types of doors and keys. Every thing you could imagine. Glass doors, gold doors. Everything

Finally, they get to a door made of solid diamond. The noise is louder than ever. The monk hands the man the final key.

He opens the door and finally sees what has been making the noise.

But I can’t tell you what it is, because you aren’t a monk.

“““““

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Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.

I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

“Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a BJ, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

“““““

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A Jewish lady calls the New York Times and says I want an obituary for my husband.

The person at the times says it’s $10 a word.

“$10 a word!” The lady exclaims.

“Fine,” she says. “Burnstein dies.”

The lady says “There is a minimum of 5 words.”

“Fine,” she grumbles. “Burnstein dies; Buick for sale.”

“““““

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The first guy walks up to the bar and sits down. The bartender asks him what hes drinking? The man says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.” The bartender then reaches behind the bar and after a couple seconds the bartender hands him and apple. “What the hell is this?! I asked you for a rum and coke, damnit!” the bartender looks to him and says, “Trust me, just eat.” “No way man this is an apple, I want my drink!” “Trust me,” says the bartender. So the guy decides, ehh why not and bites into it. “Whoa!” he exclaims. “That tastes like rum!!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. And so he does. “Whoa!!” he exclaims again, “this side tastes like coke! That’s amazing how did you do that?” The bartender says nothing and gives the man a wink. The second guy walks in, sits down and orders a gin and tonic. then goes through the same thing as the first, and finally bites into it. “Whoa!!” he says, “that tastes like gin!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. “That tastes like tonic! Thats amazing!” And now the third guy walks up, with the first two explaining to him how awesome this bartender is. “These apples taste just like the drinks we ordered!” exclaimed the first. “He can make it taste like anything you want!” says the second guy. “Anything?” the third guy asks? “Well Mr. Bartender, in that case, I want one that tastes like pussy!” Thinking he had him stumped the bartender shrugs, and after a couple seconds hands him an apple. He bites into it and immediately spits it out, “This apple tastes like Shit!!” he yelled. The bartender replies, “flip it over.”

——-

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