A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry Mr. Jones,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Jones is dead!”

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A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

“This is exciting,” the man thinks. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” the man thinks. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”

Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. “My goodness,” he thinks, “I can’t tell the Pope that. Then he says: “I can’t think on one.”

There must be another word.” He thinks for a few minutes, then says to the Pope, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” replies the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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Three old men are sitting on a porch, discussing the problems they are having with getting old.

The first man says “every day at 7 am I wake up and need to piss, but I just can’t. Try as I might, nothing comes out!”

Then the second man responds “if you think thats bad, every day at 8 am I wake up and I have to shit like a pig. I also can’t do anything about it!”

So then the third man replies “you guys think you have it bad, everyday at 7 I piss like a horse and then at 8 I shit like a pig.” His companions are bewildered, and ask him to explain himself. “What’s wrong with that?” they ask. “That sounds perfect!”

“Well you see”, says the man, “the problem is I don’t wake up until 9!”

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa…

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor. The boy says, “What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?”

Grandpa says, “They’re smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you’ll get smarter.” Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, “Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!”

Grandpa says, “See you’re getting smarter already.”

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