Two patients at an old age home (let’s call them John and Mary), have always been close to one another. One day John tells Mary, “Since we are such close friends, I hope that you aren’t embarrassed by this request. My penis is feeling awfully numb and I was hoping that you would hold it for me.”

Mary replies, “Of course, John” She takes his junk in her hand and they sit there doing nothing else. Over the next few weeks this becomes a regular event. One day Mary finds another woman holding John’s penis for him. She is outraged. “After all this time you replace me so easily with this woman!” she cries. “What does she have that I don’t?” John smiles at her. “Parkinson’s” he replies.

“““““

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Two magicians walk into a bakery. The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he’d like to see a magic trick.

The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims “Ta-Dah.” The bakery is angered and asks “Well what’s the magic trick?” The second magician replies “Look in my friend’s pocket.”

“““““

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A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It’ll simply never be the same again!’

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he says. ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’

‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?’

The lawyer looks down in horror.

‘FUCKING HELL!’ he screams……..’My Rolex!!!’

^^^^^^

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A man (lets call him Jay. Jay was not a good man, but I digress) finds himself in hell and as he’s walking around he notices Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table and arguing furiously about something. Being that he’s in hell he thinks to himself “Fuck it, I’m in hell so im gonna see what has Hitler so up in arms.”

He walks over to the table, sits down and says “Whats going on here? Why the big fight?” Hitler looks up and says “During my time as fuhrer i killed 6 million jews and 3 clowns.” Jay stops him and says “Wait why did you kill the 3 clowns?” Hitler gets a smug look on his face, looks over at Stalin and says “You see I told you nobody gives a fuck about the jews!