A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn’t wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promptly shot him. The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said “I think my wife got a glimpse”
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These two guys are drinking in a bar 30 floors up in a skyscraper. One guy turns to the other and says, “did you know that the wind is really unique around this particular skyscraper?” “How so?” asks the other. “Well, somehow, the updraft is so strong that you can jump out the window and it will carry you right back up.”
“Bullshit,” says the other. “No really! I’ll prove it to you!” says the first guy. Then he gets up, opens the window and jumps out. The second runs up and watches out the window, as the first guy falls down past ten floors, than slowly stops, and drifts back up. “See? I told you so.” The second guys downs his drink and says, “Jesus, I gotta try this!” Then he jumps out the window and falls past ten floors, then twenty floors, then, with a scream, he falls past the last ten floors and splats on the ground. The first guy sits down and orders a drink. As he’s serving it to him, the bartender says, “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”
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So Tom goes to his doctor for his annual physical while sitting in the examining room he notices a large machine with a lot of lights and buttons looking more complicated than the space shuttle cockpit. The doctor walks in and explains that the this new machine can diagnose every possible ailment with just a urine sample.
Tom produces the sample the doctor puts it into the machine. After a few moments of flashing lights and whirring noises the machine produces a small printout. The doctor informs Tom that he has tennis elbow. “Tennis elbow that’s ridiculous I have never even played tennis doc I think your machine is broken” The doc explains that this machine is very accurate but if Tom would like to submit another sample tomorrow That would be all right. So the doctor gave Tom a sample cup to bring home to make it easier. On His Way Home Tom got really angry about the whole thing, pissed off at the whole notion that a machine could replace a doctor so he decides to teach this doc and his machine a lesson. He gets home and has his wife and daughter pee in the cup he pees in the cup somehow he gets the family dog to pee in the cup. He takes the dipstick out of his car swirls that in the cup, and to top it off Tom rubs one out into the cup.
The next day Tom feeling father smug watches as the doctor puts the sample in the machine. He laughs to himself as all the lights and noises are going on and when the printout surfaces he braces himself for the win that is coming. “So what’s the verdict ?” Well you are over due for an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your dog has worms and if you don’t stop jerking off that tennis elbow is never going away.
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‘You know what?’ says the 5 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’
‘Ok’ the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
‘Shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ‘
WHACK…she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’
‘I don’t know mum, but it won’t be fuc#ing Fruit Loops’
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