A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie ” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced… “The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out…”How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

——-

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The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.

She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.

The old man replies: “It all felt like 5 minutes…”

The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:

“…underwater”.

“““““

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A wife is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in.

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

“Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”

The wife, startled at her husband’s violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband’s mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!”

The wife runs to the fri-

“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!”

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs.”

The husband simply smiles, remarks “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car”, and leaves.

——-

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari. Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

“Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people.”

“Oh?” says the Brit. “What’s that?”

“Well…” the chief responds, “We will kill you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin to make a canoe. However we’re not entirely uncivilized. We will let you choose the manner of your death, and perform it yourself, if you’d like.”

The Frenchman steps forward first. “I will take a sword, s’il vous plaît.”

The cannibals hand him a sword. The Frenchman shouts “Vive la France!” then runs himself through with the sword.

Next the Brit steps forward. “I’ll have a pistol, chaps.”

The cannibals hand him a pistol. “God save the Queen!” shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out.

Finally the New Yorker steps forward. “Gimme a fork.”

The cannibals are a bit mystified, but nonetheless give him a fork. He proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork. Arms, legs, face, torso. Anywhere he can stab himself with it, he does so.

The chief is aghast. “Good Lord! What are you doing?!?!?!”

The New Yorker bellows,

“SO MUCH FOR YER CANOE, YA FUCKING JERKS!”

“““““

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