Kelly showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over with joy. Kelly hadn’t been to church in years.

Enthused with Kelly’s presence, Father delivered an impassioned sermon on the Ten Commandments. After Mass, skirts flying, Father caught up with Kelly at the church door. “Kelly, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what brought ya?”

Kelly said, “To be honest Father, a while back, I lost me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Murphy had a hat just like it, and I knew that Murphy came to church every Sunday. I figured I would sit behind him and steal his hat.”

Father said, “Well, Kelly, I notice ya didn’t steal Murphy’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided not to steal Murphy’s hat after all.”

The priest gave Kelly a big smile and said; “After I spoke about the seventh commandment, Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided not to steal Murphy’s hat?”

Kelly shook his head and said, “No, Father. It was when you got to the sixth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.”

“I remembered where I left my hat.”

——-

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An old miser was on his deathbed. Because of his obsession with money, he didn’t have any friends, so surrounding him were his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer. He said to them, “They say you can’t take it with you, but I want to prove them wrong. Each of you take one of these envelopes. They each contain $30,000. After they put me in the ground, before they throw the dirt on, throw these envelopes in my grave.” They agree to do just that.

At the funeral, after they threw the envelopes in, they were having a chat. The priest said, “You know, I’m not feeling so great about what I just did. I need to confess something. We’re building a new church, you see, and we needed some extra money. So I took out $10,000 and threw the rest in.” The doctor says, “I too have a confession to make. We’re building a new hospital, and I took $20,000 out for that project.” After hearing this, the lawyer says, “Gentlemen, I am ashamed in you both. How could you do such a thing? I’ll have you know I threw in a check for the full amount!”

——-

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’

——-

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A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”

“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
——-

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