A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”

——-

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A police man pulls over a priest for swerving. As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. The Police officer says, “father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven’t been drinking have you?”

“No my son. Why would you ask that?”

“Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you.”

“Oh my son, that’s just holy water.”

“OK father. So why is it in a bag?”

“Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays.”

“Mind if I take a sip?”

“Not at all my son.”

As the Police officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out…

“Father, this is wine.”

The preacher, “PRAISE THE LORD. HE’S DONE IT AGAIN!”

“““““

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A nun is standing outside a pub and Dugly comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

“Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!”

Dugly wipes away a tear, and says “They’re dead, God bless ’em. They’re dead, in heaven.”

“Well,” says the nun, “Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!”

“What? What are you talking about?” Dugly asks. “Have you ever had a drink?” The nun says she has not. “Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I’ll tell you what I’ll do,” he continues, “I’ll buy you a drink, and after you’ve drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What’ll you have?”

“I don’t know,” says the nun. “What do ladies usually drink?”

“Gin,” he replies.

“Oh, alright,” she says. “But – but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices.” Dugly nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.

“Bartender! I’ll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!”

“It’s that bloody nun outside again, isn’t it?”

——-

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