A wife comes home early from work one day suspecting that the husband is cheating on her.

She catches the husband in bed with a sheep.

The wife exclaims: “What the hell are you doing?”

The husband sighs and responds: “See, this is the cow I sleep with when you’re not here.”

The wife now with a frown replies: “Are you stupid? That’s a sheep, not a cow!”

The husband looks the wife dead in the eyes and says: “I was talking to the sheep.”

——-

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A man’s wife is very sick and he takes her to a doctor.

The doctor does a check-up and has a private word with the husband.

Husband: How is she, doctor?

Doctor: I don’t like the look of her.

Husband: Me neither. But she is an excellent cook and she fantastic in bed.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

“I saw that you didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box and, according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

——-

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Man comes running in the door at home all excited. “Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery”

Wife asks “should I pack for the beach or the mountains?”

I don’t care. Just get the fuck out.