A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn’t tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn’t trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who’s dick missing.

So the first week past and it was time for a checkup. He line up 10 of his sailors and ask them to put down their pants. 9 out of 10 have lost their dick. The captain, furious, kills the 9. To make an example of the tenth he said to him:

-Son for your honesty I will promote you as my assistant!

The sailor could not believe his ears and with joy he replies:

-Tkacjk ylgf cajhdehn!

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A blonde is speeding down the highway. When a female officer, another blonde, spots her and pulls her over. She asks the driver for her license…

Blonde driver says, “What’s that?”

Blonde Officer : “Its a square with your face on it.”

The blonde driver ruffles through her bag and after a few seconds produces a square make-up mirror and hands it to the blonde officer. The officer looks into the mirror and says to the driver, “Why didn’t you tell me you were a cop? I woulda let you go!”

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A young man visits his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. He and his girlfriend’s father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner.

At the foot of the boyfriend’s chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible.

“Rover!” Yells the father.

Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man let’s another rip, this time a bit louder.

“ROVER!” Yells the father again.

Feeling one last wave of gas, the boyfriend let’s out a nasty, wet, stinker.

“ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU! ”

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Billy’s canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming …”Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !”

“What happened ?” Asked Billy’s Dad. “Well” said Billy ” I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canay, and she was saying ‘God I’m coming…God I’m coming’ and if it hadn’t been for the mailman holding her down…he would have got her !”

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