On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some great sex.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”

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So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. “For trespassing on our land,” he says, “you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tanned to make our war canoes with. However, because I am a just and merciful chieftain, I will allow you to choose the way you die.”

They approach the Frenchman first, and ask him how he wants to die. “I have lived many years on zis world,” he says, “and have loved for a long time. Now, I would like to go peacefully. Bring me herbs to put me to sleep, and herbs that will ensure that I will never wake up.” The cannibals go out to find the most toxic herbs on the island and give them to the Frenchman, who eats them and falls to sleep, never to wake up. He is skinned before the others, and his flesh is taken to be cooked, and his hide is taken to be tanned.

Next, the Brit is approached. “Your friend is dead, and you are next. Tell us, how would you like to die?”

The Brit, ever the dignified one, says “I refuse to let down my honor, even in the face of certain death. Bring me a saber, and allow me to die in combat against the finest fighter amongst your number.” The cannibals find two swords, and get their most ferocious warrior. The Brit, not knowing more than a bit of fencing, gets his neck neatly slit during the fight. He dies instantly, and is taken to be skinned. His meat is cooked, and his hide is turned into a canoe.

“At last, my American friend,” the chieftain says, approaching the New Yorker, “it is your turn to join your fellows. Tell me, how do you wish to die?”

The New Yorker grins, and says “Bring me a fork.”

The chieftain is confused, but motions for the tribe to produce a fork. When it is handed over to the New Yorker, he laughs and begins stabbing himself repeatedly with it, tearing apart every inch of his body with its prongs. Horrified, the chieftain yells “Stop! What are you doing to yourself?!?”

To which the New Yorker replies, “SO MUCH FOR YOUR DAMN CANOE!”

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I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

“““““

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that! You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

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