One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.
One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, “Say, I wish I could do that!”
His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, “I should say so! But don’t you think you ought to get to know him first?”
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A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, “How much is the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the sales guy says.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man says.
“No, that’s the price,” the sales guy says, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
“How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars for the system,” the sales guy says.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Yes,” the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor.
“How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars,” the salesman says.
“I’ll take that too!” the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business.”
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One day my Granny was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Granny came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard.” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned bastard.” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
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