A car is pulled over by the police

“Is there a problem officer?”

Cop: You were swerving a lot back there.

“Well I had 8 beers officer,”

Cop: We’ll that’s no excuse to let your wife drive

Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.

But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be damned if he didn’t let himself have a good time.

Timothy had eyes for a girl named Sally. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, “Hair-lip”.

Well Timmy saw past her stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her eating a peanut butter sandwich alone in the corner of the lunchroom.

He marched up to her and said, “Sally, I’ve been seeing you around for a while, and, well… Would you like to go to the dance with me?”

Sally’s eyes lit up and she responded, “Would I!”

Timothy said, “Hair-lip!” and walked away.

——-

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A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn’t.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frusturated and embarassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The texan smiled and drawled “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.

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A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from police car in the mirror. He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95… 100.. 110… Finally, with the cop still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The cop, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.

“You were going a little fast there,” the cop says “but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.”

The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied “Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back.”

The cop paused for a moment and said “Have a nice day and drive safe.”

“““““

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