A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.

‘I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’

“““““

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Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”

Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”

Kid 1: “As if.”

Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”

Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”

Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”

“““““

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I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

There is a new trend in our startup; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I work to buy a car to go to work.

We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Teamwork in StartUps is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

In my experience there’s two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.

A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.

^^^^^^

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“What’s your name?”, asked the teacher.

“Mohammad,” he replied.

“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Mike.

” Mohammad returned home after school.

“How was your day, Mohammad?”, his mother asked.

“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

“Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

“What happened to you, Mike?”, she asked.

“Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs.”

——-

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