A lady walks into a grocery store looking for tomatoes and can’t seem to find any, so she goes to ask a store clerk.

Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?

Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out.

Lady: You don’t understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?

Clerk: I am sure we don’t have any, but I will go look.

The clerk goes to the back and comes back.

Clerk: Sorry, there aren’t any in the back.

Lady: But you don’t understand, I NEED these.

Clerk: Lady, you’re just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the “blue” out of blueberries?

Lady: Berries.

Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the “Straw” out of strawberries?

Lady: Berries.

Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the “fuck” out of tomatoes?

The lady pauses for a moment…

Lady: There’s no fuck in tomatoes!

Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!”

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A panda bear walks into a resturant and orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him.

The manager comes out and says “hey man what’s going on?”

The panda bear replies “I’m a panda bear Google it..” and leaves.

The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading “panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves.”

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. “Let’s have sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile. “Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist. “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile. “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: “Meow.”

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, “Doesn’t that bother you?”

The pirate responds, “Yar it’s driving me nuts.”