A man goes to a brothel. The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

The man replied,

“I wan to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else” said the madam.

He replied,

“No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back

two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,

“No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.”

“Where are you from?”

The man replied,

” New Brunswick .”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in New Brunswick .”

“I know.” the man said.

“Your sister died, and I am her attorney.”

“She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

——-

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Holmes and Watson go camping. After a long trek through the woods they pitch their tent and turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks him “Look up in the sky. What do you see?”

To that, Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars” Holmes followed up with another question: “What do you deduce from that?” to which Watson answered “If there are millions of stars, and even a few of them are planets, it means that there should be planets out there like Earth out there and if there are, that means that there is indeed other life outside of Earth”

Holmes looked him square in the face and said “Watson you idiot it means someone stole our tent!”

“““““

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A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar.

There’s a sign next to the horse that says “Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night”

The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.

The horse bursts out laughing.

The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.

The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.

On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads “Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights.”

Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.

The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.

After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says “look, I’m losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it.”

The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, “Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it.”

——-

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

“““““

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