There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.

So you could imagine the milkman’s surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.

He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.

When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff’s bench. The milkman went into the defendant’s bench and waited for the judge to speak.

“Baker, what is your complaint?” asked the judge.

“Well, here’s the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever I go to weigh it, it’s always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!”

The judge turned to the milkman and asked, “Well, how do you plead?”

“Not guilty, your honor.”

“Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?” asked the judge.

“Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can’t afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory.”

The judge thought for a moment and then asked, “Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?”

“I don’t use stones.” The milkman said plainly.

“So, what do you use?” The judge asked, exasperated.

“I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance.”

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into her local RiteAid pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, „I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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A Muslim boy moves to Ireland and on his first day of school his teacher asks, “What is your name?”

“My name is Mohammed” the boy replies.

“You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike” says the teacher.

The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.

After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother.

“How was your first day at school, Mohammed?” his mother asks.

“I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!” The boy replies.

His mother becomes infuriated, “Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!”

and his mother beat him and when his father comes home from work he does the same.

The next day the boy returns to school and his teacher sees his fresh bruises.

“Mike! What happened?” asked the teacher.

The boy replies with a grimace “Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman I was jumped by two fu*king Arabs!”

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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on his butt by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

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