After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he’s getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, “Jesus, what is the meaning of life?”

To which Jesus replies,”You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy.”

The man asks,”Jesus, why is life so hard?”

To which Jesus replies,”That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful.”

The man asks again,”How was the universe created?”

Jesus replies,”I’m sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I’m trying to mow your lawn.”

“““““

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A man is walking along when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.

He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.

“Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she says.

No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.

“Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she says.

“Well,” thinks the man, “might as well keep going.”

On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.

“Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.

As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. “Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she begs.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

“Who the hell are you?” the man asked.

“Hey cutie,” said the ugly fat man, “my name is Cess!”

“““““

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A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train. The 3 accountants each buy a ticket , but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. “How do you think that’s going to work?” asks one of the accountants. “You’ll see.”, an engineer responds.

As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket.

The accountants all agree that this is a great way to save money, so on the return trip, the accountants only buy one ticket, but the engineers don’t buy any tickets. “How do you think that’s going to work?” asks an accountant. “You’ll see.” responds an engineer.

As the train leaves the station, all three accountants pile into one bathroom and an engineer knocks on the door and says “Ticket, please.”.

——-

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So I was sitting at the bar one day, and I say to the bartender

“Hey barkeep, can I get a rum and coke?”

“Sure thing! Just give me one second!”

The bartender grabs the rum, he grabs the coke, and puts an apple on the bar

“Hey what the hell is this”

“Take a bite”

I took a bite and was amazed

“Holy shit this take like rum”

“Turn it around”

I turn the apple around and take a bite

“Holy shit it taste like coke”

The bartender laughs and just says

“I’m a mixologist”

I called up one of my buddies and told him to get down to the bar as soon as possible, he comes in and I tell him to order some kind of mixed drink

“Alright I want a Gin and Tonic”

“Gin and tonic coming right up!”

The bartender grabs the gin, he grabs the tonic and comes back and puts an apple on the bar.

“WHAT THE FU-”

I cut him off, “take a bite”

He takes a bite

“Woah Tonic”

The bartender says “turn it around”

Confused my friend spins the apple and takes a bite “AND THERE IS THE GIN!! WHAT HOW?!?”

The bartender laughs and says “I’m a mixologist”

So my buddy and I were enjoying our flavored apples when one of our mutual friends walk in

I say to him “DUDE ASK THIS BARTENDER FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, HE HAS WHAT YOU WANT, AND HE PUTS IT IN AN APPLE.”

Our mutual friend looks at both of us, chuckles when he sees his pals in the bar freaking out about apples. “Alright bartender I want your finest….pussy”

“Uhhh, let me see what I can do”

The bartender goes into the back and not more than a minute later comes back and puts an apple on the bar “Take a bite”

Our buddy takes a bite and immediately spits it out “WHAT THE FUCK MAN THIS TASTE LIKE ASS”

The bar keep smiles and says…”Turn it around”

——-

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