A man in a ferrari stops at a red light next to old guy on a scooter. he rolls down the window and says “this car can do 0.to.100 mph in less than the time your scooter starts to move…”

The old man nods in agreement and asks to peek in. The man let’s him look in … the old man is visibly impressed.

The light turns green and Mr Ferrari floors it to the next traffic light. As he slows down for the next stop he glances in the rear view mirror and sees the old man as a speck in the distance but gaining rapidly!

the old man on the scooter whooshes by the Ferrari at an incredible speed …. the man is stunned. now the scooter flies BACK to the car …. and whooshes by again.

Then forward again….

and he hears the old man screaming … “yaaaaaaaa Unhook my suspenders from your mirror…!!!!”

——-

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Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey’s. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Pounds?”

A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to them” Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in.” Suddenly “Poof!” Lucifer appears. Lucifer tells them “You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sent to HELL.”

With that, the mathematician steps forward and asks Lucifer “What is the most complex mathematical theory ever formulated?!” Lucifer replies “Easy!” and with the snap of his fingers a stack of papers appears. The mathematician goes through the papers and eventually exclaims “Yes, this is the most complex mathematical theory ever formulated.” Lucifer responds “HAHAHA! Now, go to HELL!!” and the mathematician vanishes. Next the philosopher approaches. He states “What is a summary of all of Socrates’ teachings!?” “Easy!” Cries Lucifer, and he snaps his fingers again, making another stack of papers appear. The philosopher carefully reads through the pages. Eventually, in defeat, he exclaims “Yes, this must be every single teaching of Socrates.” Lucifer’s evil laugh continues, “AAHAHAHAAA! Now, go to HELL!” the philosopher is banished to hell.

Lastly, the idiot steps forward. “Bring me a chair!” the idiot tells Lucifer. So the devil brings forth a wooden chair. “Drill 6 holes in the seat!” the idiot demands. So the devil does just that. Just then, the idiot sits down on the chair and farts very loudly. He then stands up and yells his question at Lucifer “Now, which hole did my fart come out of!!?” The devil takes the chair, inspecting it closely. He replies “HAHAHA! The third hole from the left, you are mine!!!” “Wrong!” replies the idiot “It was my asshole!!” And with that St. Peter opens the gates, and the idiot goes to heaven.

——-

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A young couple that were dating a year just moved in together. They went apartment shopping and bought a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy to hang on their bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, the woman playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four”.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her man what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the he crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.

Again, there’s a bright flash…and his legs fall off.

“““““

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