One day a lion wakes up in a bad mood and summons the other animals in the jungle.

“I want each of you to tell a joke, but I warn you that if anyone of you fails to laugh, I’ll kill the one who told it. Let’s see, monkey, you will be first.”

Shaking with fear the monkey begins, “Two men are in the street and…”

When he finishes, everyone bursts out laughing save the tortoise. “The tortoise didn’t laugh!” roars the lion, pouncing on the monkey and ripping him to pieces. Then he orders, “Elephant, you’re next.”

Cursing through clenched teeth, the elephant begins, “A drunk walks into a bar and…”

When he finishes, all the animals split their sides laughing except the tortoise, who remains impassive. “The tortoise didn’t think it was funny!” exclaimed the lion who, seeing that the furious elephant is about to step on the tortoise, kills the elephant with his claws.

By now, everyone wants to murder the tortoise, but nobody dares move. “Now it’s your turn, tiger,” orders the lion.

The scared tiger begins, “They say that Little Red Riding Hood…”

At that moment, the tortoise falls over laughing. “What’s with you?” bellows the lion. “Tiger hasn’t finished yet…”

To which the tortoise replies, “The monkey’s joke is hilarious!”

——-

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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?’

‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants…

I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’

‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’

‘So then?’ questioned the doctor.

‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.’

“““““

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One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

“Right,” says the lion, “I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!”

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

“You have to understand, Your Majesty, I’m a rabbit, I can’t hunt, but I’ve brought you a basket of carrots.”

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.

The rabbit cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs…

“Why are you crying?” says the lion.

“It hurts,” says the rabbit.

“And why the fuck are you laughing?” says the lion.

“I’ve just seen the porcupine,” says the rabbit, “and he’s gathering mushrooms.”

——-

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There was a trucker that would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, The trucker turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”

“““““

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