There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter. The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.

When he returned, he called the 3 knights in.

He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place!

The king said, “Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!”

The knight said: “Eywanmytonbac!”

——-

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge: “If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don’t have to come to school on Monday: ‘We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'”

A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says “Franklin Delano Roosevelt”.

“Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off” the teacher replies.

“I’m Vietnamese, we value education I’ll be here Monday”.

“Ok” says the teacher “Lets try another one: ‘Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.'”

This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.

“Abraham Lincoln”

“Correct Susie.” the teacher asserts “Enjoy your day off”

Susie says “Oh no ma’am. I’m Chinese, we also value education I’ll be here early on Monday morning”.

“Fucking immigrants!” a voice says from the back.

“Who said that?!” the teacher snaps.

“Donald Trump…” says little Johnny “…I’ll see ya Tuesday”

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Within a small tribe of Native Indians, some of the men ask the chief how cold the winter will be.

The chief replies “It will be a very cold winter, we must get a lot of wood”

So, the men go out and collect the winter supply of wood, with some extra just in case. They go back the the chief and ask if it will be enough, to which, he replies: “It will be a very cold winter, go get more wood.

So again, the men go out and collect more wood, they find the Chief again and ask if it will be enough, to which he replies: “No, it will be a very cold winter, you must get more wood.”

This happens four more times, until the Chief comes to the realization that if it is not a cold winter, they will kill him for lying to them, and for making them collect so much wood. So the Chief decides to the local town to ask the meteorologist how cold the winter will be. He get’s on his horse and heads out. Upon reaching the meteorologist, he asks him “how cold will the winter be?”.

The meteorologist responds “Oh, it will be a very cold winter this year”

The chief, relieved, asks how he knows this, to which the meteorologist replies “Just look at how much wood the Indians are collecting!”
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A man is lost in the desert. He’s tired and as he’s stumbling up another sand dune , he comes across a lamp.

“What the hell?”, he thinks and rubs it three times and a genie pops out.

“Thank you so much!” The genie tells the man. “I’ve been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years! Since you set me free I will grant you one wish.”

The man kinda grumbles thinking he always thought it was three wishes but quickly gets over it. A wish is a wish. He pulls out a map from his back pocket and asks the genie, “You see this part of the world right here?”

He points to the Middle East. “There’s so much violence and turmoil that has lasted thousands of years there that I would like there to be peace for as long as the world exists.”

The genie responds to the man with a tear coming out of his eye, “I’m sorry . Even with all my magical power I cannot make that wish come true.” A tear drops out of the man’s eye. He really wanted to make a difference.

“Cheer up!” genie says, “You still have a wish! what else might you wish for?”

“Well… You know Kim Kardashian? I would really like you to explain to me why she is still famous.”

The genie responds, “Let me take a look at that map again.”

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