A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with
his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight with his wife.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, “you are the reason I fight with my wife”.

He smashed the second bottle, “you are the reason I don’t love my children”.

He smashed the third bottle, “you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”.

When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said

“you stand aside, I know you were not involved”.

“““““

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The population of this country is 300 million.

submitted 13 hours ago by remotely_sensible

60 million are retired.

That leaves 240 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school.

Which leaves 145 million to do the work.

Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.

Leaving 123 million to do the work.

61 million are disabled.

Leaving 62 million to do the work.

15 million are collecting unemployment.

Leaving 47 million to do the work.

40 million are of working age, but not working and not actively looking for work.

Leaving 7 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 4.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 900,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 3,300,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 3,299,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

reading jokes.

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A bus driver and a priest died and went to heaven. St. Peter greeted them both and led them to their new homes in heaven. They went to the bus driver’s home first, and saw a large mansion. When the priest saw this, he was very excited because he was sure that he’d get a grander house, because clearly, he had done me good in his life than the bus driver.

However, when they reached his new home, all he saw a small cabin. He asked St. Peter, “why is my house smaller than the bus driver’s? I have served God all my life!” St. Peter responded, “well, the way you were preaching, everyone was sleeping. But the way the bus driver was driving, everyone was praying!”

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I ended up hooking up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘ Mum, you still awake?’

“““““

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