A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.

He asks an angel “What are those clocks for?”

“Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope’s clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied.”

The angel goes on. “This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. It’s only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!”

The man asks “Is there clocks for other politicians?”

The angel says “Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices.”

——-

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all went out camping and hunting together. After setting up camp the brunette left to go hunt. 24 hours later the brunette came back with a deer. The others were in awe of the brunette and asked, “How did you do it?”

The brunette replied, “Found tracks, followed tracks, shot the deer.”

The next day the redhead went out and returned 48 hours later with a bear. The blonde and brunette were in complete awe and asked, “How did you do it?”

The redhead replied, “Found tracks, followed tracks, shot the bear.”

The next day the blonde went out and returned three days later completely broken, bruised, and bloody. The brunette and redhead were shocked and horrified asking, “What happened!?”

The blonde replied, “Found tracks, followed tracks, got hit by a train.”

——-

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A woman is speeding down the highway while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach in her rear-view and obeys protocol, pulling over to the side of the road.

When both cars come to a halt, the officer quickly exits his squad car and makes his way to the damsel. “What in God’s name would make you feel the need to drive so fast, ma’am?!” he asks her.

“Well, officer, actually, I’m late for work,” she replies.

“And just what is it you do?” asks the annoyed law enforcer.

“Well,” begins the lady, “I’m a certified Asshole Stretcher.”

“An Asshole Stretcher?! What the hell does that mean?” inquires the curious cop.

“It’s quite simple, really,” says the woman, “I take my finger and I insert it into a patient’s anus. I make sure to use plenty of lubrication during the entire process, as it is very delicate.

“After I get one finger in, I start to massage the sphincter and get another finger in. Then I can start to make a sort of peace sign, as I insert yet another finger. I work it until I can get knuckle-deep, then I begin to ease my other hand in.

“Once I get both hands in, I continue to pull and loosen, using plenty of lube, until my whole forearm up to the elbow can wedge inside, and eventually my whole shoulder. I keep working it until I’ve stretched the asshole to about six feet.”

“Six feet!?” replies the officer, “What the hell would you do with a six-foot asshole?!”

The lady answers, “Park him behind a billboard.”

——-

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A man on a business trip finishes up his day and returns to his hotel late very and tired. Before going to bed, he decides to hit the hotel bar for a drink after a hard days work. He enters this popular hotel bar for traveling business men and sees quite a few other guys in the bar doing the same thing. However, he can’t help to notice this old man crying.

He walks up and takes a seat next to the old man. He says to him “look old man I’m not sure why you’re crying but my life is worse…my job works me 80 hour weeks, my kids hate me, and my ex-wife has taken everything! including 1/2 my income….what’s so bad about your life?”

The old man replies “look son….I’m retired, my kids are self dependent / successful, and I have a hot young wife who cooks and sexes me every night”

He looks at the old man in confusion and disgust and says “how is that any worse than what I’m dealing with?”

The old man looks up and replies in tears “I forgot where I live”

“““““

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