A man is in a serious car crash and loses his penis. After extensive rehab, the doctor informs the man that he has $9,000 left from his insurance claim, which he can use to replace his penis.

The doctor states that there are 2 donor penises available. 1 is 5 and a half inches long, and the other is 8 inches long. The doctor tells the man to go home and consult with his wife about which size they feel is best.

3 days later the man comes back into the doctor’s office, and the doctor asks him what he and his wife had decided.

After a brief pause the man says to the doctor: “My wife and I have decided that we will be going with granite counter tops.”

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A women goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper.

The doctor asks: “”what’s the problem”

The women says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason it scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

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A farmer takes his cross-eyed cow to the vet. The vet says “I know how to fix this”. So he puts a hose up the cows ass and blows really hard, and BANG! the cows eyes snap back to normal.

A week later the farmer takes his cow back to the vet because his eyes became crossed again. The vet says “I know how to take care of this” and puts a hose up the cows ass again and blows really hard. This time nothing happens. So the vet blows even harder. Again nothing happened.

So the vet says to the farmer “you want to give it a try?” So the farmer pulls the hose out, turns the hose around and sticks the other end of the hose in the cows ass.. the vet says “what are you doing?” And the farmer says “whaddya think I want your germs?

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A guy checks into a hotel and he’s horny, so he figures he’ll call one of the women that advertise in phone booths. He pops into a phone booth near the hotel, finds an ad for “Erogenique,” and when he gets back to his room, he calls. A woman answers and says, “Hel-loww …”

He thinks to himself, “Man, does she sound hot.”

He says, “Hi. I, uh, hear you give a great massage, so I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait … I should be straight with you. What I really want is sex. I want it hard and hot, and I want it now. Please bring toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go all night … you can tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup & whipped cream, anything you want. How’s that sound?”

She says, “That sounds fantastic. Now please dial 9 for an outside line.”

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