As part of a TV show, 3 men are given the opportunity to live in a cave for a year, they are told they’ll be sealed away and given enough food and water to get them through the year. However, they are also told they they may not bring anything with them into the cave, but they will be given an endless supply of one thing and one thing only to binge on for a whole year.

The first man says “I want food! Enough food that I can eat til I throw up and then eat again for the whole year”. He’s set up with an endless supply of food and he enters the cave to start gorging himself.

The second man says, “I want sex! All the people I can have sex with. Men, women, the lot. I want to have a year long orgy!”. Again, the TV crew make the arrangements and they seal him away in a cave for a wild year-long orgy.

The third man says “I want all the weed I can smoke, I want to be stoned out of my gourd for the whole year”. again, the arrangements are made and he enters his cave.

A year later the first man exits his cave “How was it?” Asks the TV presenter.

Looking considerably larger and very happy, he answers: “It was great! a whole year of free food, there was a massive variety and it was all top quality stuff. An unbelievable experience”

The second person comes out, looking very fit and even happier than the first man. “How was it?” the presenter asks.

“AMAZING” he answers. “So much sex, I thought I’d die from pleasure, we did everything you could imagine. How the hell do I top that now?”

Finally the third man leaves his cave, but he doesn’t look ecstatic like the other two… “And how about you?” the presenter asks.

“Anyone got a light?” says the man.

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My work is horrible. Its mostly the people that work there:

First we have this dumb biatch. She is constantly complaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.

Next we have this chick that’s the complete opposite. She is a 0/10 and i cant stand her smart ass comments and talk. She is so smart i don’t understand why she is still with us because she can literally be anything she wants (except a prostitute).

Then there’s this 22 year old stoner. He dresses like a hippy from the 60’s and cant grow a beard anywhere else on his face other than on his chin. He is constantly stoned before work, during work, and after work. He is constantly hungry and requires multiple trips for food to keep him satisfied every day.

But the real best part is the damn DOG that this stoner brings. He’s a huge dog that is probably dying from the second hand smoke. The dog whines and cries all the fucking time like he’s trying to say something.

So anyway, i drive these dumb asses around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
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Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, “wtf – you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”

“I KNOW!” the guy says, “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”

Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do – I’d take them to the zoo.”

“That’s a great idea!” says the driver.

A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.

“What are you doing – I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.

“We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s underwear. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

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