A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked “Can I borrow the dog?”

The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”

——-

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A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?” “Easy,” she says, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it’s over the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with an inflated ego, “Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?” To which she responds,

“Didn’t feel a thing.”

“““““

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So, a moth walks into a podiatrist’s office. The podiatrist asks “What seems to be the problem?” The Moth responds:

“Oh, Doctor Gregory Illonivich, I’ve aged so very much. I wake up in bed every morning-weak and out of breath- and I roll over to see this old lady that I don’t know any more sleeping next to me. I used to have such love for her, my Natasha, but I don’t anymore. My heart is a hollow shell in my chest.

“My daughter, Sonya, was supposed to be married, but her fiance died in the war. Now, she just walks around the house, too young to be the widow that she is. Even worse, my son, Alexi…I don’t love him anymore. Not since he was dishonorably discharged for deserting last Spring.

“I look at him and I think that I see the same cowardice that I hate in myself. A cowardice that I wish I could shake off just a little bit, just enough that I can take that loaded pistol out of my night stand drawer and bite down on the barrel.”

Dr. Gregory Illonivich, horrified by what he’s heard, thinks about it for a second. “Moth,” he says, “You don’t need a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist!” The Moth nods his head.

“Yes, I know.”

“Well, then why did you come here?”

“Oh, the light was on.”

——-

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It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads. The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?” The old Chief calmly replied… “Vietnam.”
——-

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