A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college. On the teacher’s first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe. He sits down next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back up, she asks the class to translate the sentence she just wrote.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says,

“If the skirt was a bit shorter, I’d hit it.” Naturally flustered, the teacher yells out, “Johnny! That is disgusting and very rude! Get out of my class right now!”

As Little Johnny is packing his things, he hits the principal on the head with his Spanish textbook and says. “And you Mister, if you don’t know shit, keep your damn mouth shut!”

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Young Warren moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100…

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”

Warren replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Warren said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Warren said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Warren said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Warren and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Warren said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $925.00.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Warren said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

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Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”

The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”

Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”
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A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?” “I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?” The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.” The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?” From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

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