A housewife goes to a doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “Whats the problem?”

The housewife says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the housewife comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The housewife says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down. How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It keeps your mouth shut and that does the trick”.

“““““

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

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Jack and Jill have grown up. They’ve graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.

One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn’t want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.

While he’s considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, “Jill, I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill responds with a sigh, “Well, you’ll have to jack off, I’ve got a headache.”

——-

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Two Texas farmers, Dugly and Bubba, are at a bar…

Dugly says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.”

The next day, Dugly goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Dugly says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think that logically speaking, you have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“So, because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a straight man.”

“I am straight. That’s amazing! You were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class, Dugly shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bubba says, “What’s that?”

“I’ll give you an example,” says Dugly. “Do you own a weed eater?”

“No.”

“You a faggot, Bubba?”

——-

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