Two Irish men Conor and Liam are walking to Dublin. They are two Irish farm hands going to Dublin on their day off.

Conor falls and twists his ankle and says ‘Aye, Liam. I can’t go much farther. I’ll just nip into this bar off the road and you can get me on yer way back.’

Liam says, ‘alright, Conor.’

Conor hobbles into a pub on the corner and sits down to a pint. About 15 minutes later, Liam comes back in a fancy BMW. Conor exclaims, ‘Aye, Liam, where’d ya get the car? You didn’t nip it away, did ye?’ Liam hops out and says, ‘no, Conor. The strangest thing happened on me way to Dublin. I was walking along when a wee Bonnie lass rolls up to me in her car. She says to me, ‘oh, Irish farm boy, do you need a ride?’ I thinks to meself, ‘alright.’ But this lass starts driving off crazy. Right into the middle of this farmers field. Then, she gets out and starts taking all her clothes off. Till she was naked as the day she was born. And she says to me, low and sweet, ‘oh, Irish farm boy, you can have anything you want.’

‘So I took the car.’

Conor says, ‘Aye, Liam, ya made the right choice. Those clothes would’ve done nothing for ya.’

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God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’ The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’ And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’ ‘Can you give us an example?’ ‘Thou shalt not kill.’ ‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’ The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shalt not steal.’ ‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’ The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery.’ ‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’ ‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’ ‘They’re free.’ ‘We’ll take 10.’

There. That should upset just about everybody…. 🙂
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Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?” “Yes, my master, I have.” “And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?” “Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.” “And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”

“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.” “That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training.”

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An atheist dies and goes to hell. The devil welcomes him and says:”Let me show you around a little bit.” They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. “This is your house now, here are your keys.” The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:”No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!”

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. “These are your cars now!” and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says “Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?”.

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says “Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!”

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil “What is going on there?” The devil just shrugs and says: “Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way”

“““““

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