Two intoxicated women stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn’t have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The second girl squats down near a grave Stone and starts to pee. She also realizes she has nothing to wipe with. She saw her friend use her panties but she thinks to herself, “I’m not using my panties, these are expensive! Victoria’s Secret is nothing to throw away.” So she grabs a ribbon off the near by grave and whipes herself.

The next morning the husband’s of the women call each other. The first woman husband says, “Man my wife came home with no panties on and can’t remember anything. I’m divorcing her.” The second husband says, “That’s nothing man, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her ass saying [We will never forget you!] signed by Juan, Carlos, Pepe, Jeremy, and the whole National Guard!”

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One day this guy comes to work at an adults only store. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the store.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks “How much for your black dildos?”

The guy says “30 bucks”

“And how much for your white dildos?” asks the lady.

Again the man says “30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white”

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks “How much for your white dildos?”

The man responds “30 bucks”

She asks “And how much for your black dildos?”

“30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black” replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks “How much are your dildos?”

The guys says “All our dildos are 30 bucks”

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask “How much for that green one?”

The man responds “Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250”

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks “So what did you sell today?”

The man says “I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!”

“““““

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to New York.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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An IT guy goes to hell. When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment.

“Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never run out of flesh to sever. Your eyes will-”

“Are there printers?” The man interjects.

“….Printers? Um no, not that I know of, but-”

“Okay this place sounds fine, let’s go.”

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