An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.

‘I would like it *infrequently’ she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – ‘Is that one word or two?’

“““““

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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. “Your son is just a head!”

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!”

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left… then to the right… right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

——-

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A young British couple unable to have children decide that they want to adopt a child. They go and meet a few babies before settling on a child left by a German family.

They love this child to bits and feel as if he is truly their child, the parents and their family marvel at how the child never cries – ever – it has never cried. The child has never made a single noise.

After the child turns 1 the parents begin to worry that he still hasn’t said a word. They understand kids develop differently and move on. On the child’s second birthday, the parents are seriously concerned that he still hasn’t said a single word. They take him to a doctor who is concerned too but informs the parents to wait until the child is 3 to consider any drastic approach.

As the third birthday approaches, the parents are getting extremely nervous – still the child has said nothing. They prepare and research the potential approaches to get him to speak.

Two weeks before his third birthday, they are sat down at the table together eating down. The child says to his mother “Please may you pass the salt.” Naturally the parents are stunned “What! You can speak!” they exclaim, “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

The child responds in his heavy German accent, “Up until this point, everything was satisfactory.”

^^^^^^

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A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn’t come back yet.

Inspector : -What is her height?

Husband : -Average, I guess.

Inspector : -Her weight?.

Husband : -Again average I think.

Inspector : -Color of eyes?

Husband : -I think dark, Maybe brown or hasel.

Inspector : -Her ethnicity?

Husband : -Some kind of Latin, Maybe Colombian, or Peruvian, I don’t think Mexican.

Inspector : -Color of hair?

Husband : -Hmmm, she changes that I think. I don’t remember the current color.

Inspector : -What was she wearing?

Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or some pants and a shirt.

Inspector : -Was she driving?

Husband : -Yes.

Inspector : -Color of the car?

Husband : -A silver Jaguar F-Type with 5.0 litre V8 550PS Supercharged Petrol. And it has 20 inch wheels in a metallic black finish…. and it has a deployable boot lid spoiler…. and it has a very thin scratch on the front passanger door… and then the husband started crying…

Inspector: -Don’t worry sir,…We will find your car.

“““““

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