In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day.

The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, how fast are you?”

The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player’s head!”

The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, “Well, that wasn’t bad. But you’re wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg.”
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player.

“That’s terrific!” said the young gunslinger. “Got any more tips for me?”
“Yup,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me faster?” asked the younger man. “You bet it will,” said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

“Wow!” said the young gunslinger. “I’m learning’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?”
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! ”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
“No,” said the old-time, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”
“Will that make me a faster gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Probably not!” said the old-timer, “But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!”

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Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, dear,” replied granny, “many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

“““““

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying “All of You bastards who want off, get off now ‘cos we’re in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now ‘cos we’re going down the tracks”

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added… “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat cunt in the kitchen.”

——-

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A guy is taking a dump in a public bathroom

When suddenly, he hears “Hello” from the next stall,
He replies “Hello?”

Another question follows up “How are you?”

Still confused, he replies “Fine, thanks”

“What are you doing?”

“Um, I’m in a toilet, what do you think?”

After a brief second, there’s another question “Hehe, can I join you?”

In shock, he replies “No way man, what the hell?”

Then he hears the guy in the next stall saying “I’m sorry babe, I’ll call you back later, some fucking moron thinks I’m talking to him”

——-

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