Bill and Dugly go moose hunting. A bush-pilot drops the two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.

The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.

Bill says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”

To which Dugly adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!”

Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.

The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.
Sometime later Bill regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Dugly asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”

Bill replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”

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An art thief broke into the Louvre. Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.

Without a moment’s hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.
“I don’t understand”, Said the police officer. “How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?”

To which the thief replied: “But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!”

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On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed……

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

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Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, “What did you do when you were alive on earth?”
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The first dog answers, “For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi.”
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“Very good,” says God. “You will sit at my left side.”
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God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, “What did you do when you were alive on earth?”
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The second dog responds, “I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber.”
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God smiles and nods. “Very good. You will sit at my right side.”
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God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, “What did you –”
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The cat interrupts, “You’re in my chair.”

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