Mr. Conner goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Conner were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, one Mrs. Conner has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Conner.

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

“““““

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Buffy, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar F-Type. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger, the blonde replies, “How on earth you could ask such a question!? I’m not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.”

“““““

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Hank and Darla were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Hank suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Darla promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Darla’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Darla the news she said, ‘Darla, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Hank hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Darla replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?’

“““““

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I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, Tyler, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said “Settle down, Tyler. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.”

At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “Tyler… Tyler, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, Tyler.” It was impressive.

So, as we’re both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I’m sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. Tyler is very lucky to have you as his dad!”

And he said “Thanks! But actually, I’m Tyler. This little shit’s name is Kyle.”

“““““

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