A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to confess his sins.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”

“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”

“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”

“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”

“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”

“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.

“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”

The priest still did not answer.

“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”

The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the confession booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry.

“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”

“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church’s fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”

——-

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A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office.

Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an important client. “Offer them no more than $3 million!” he shouts down the phone. “And tell them that if it isn’t finished by next week, they won’t get a penny!”

After “hanging up”, the man says to the visitor, “Hello? Can I help you?” And the visitor replies, “Yes, I’m from the phone company. I’ve come to connect your phone line.”

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening the young wife suddenly sent the maid away for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear….my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently….

He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow.

When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, “You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light.

“No madam”, said the gardener.

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A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

“But that’s the same as the others,” says the man. “Why are so many people waiting to get in?”

“Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.”

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