Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

“Well,” one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, “why don’t we attend Mass?”
“Sure,” replies his friend. “But we don’t know how the French pray and we can’t speak French!”
The first guy thinks of a solution. “We’ll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we’ll do.”

His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.
Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.
By the time forty-five minutes pass, they’ve gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.
The church bursts into hard laughter.

Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.
“We’re well-meaning people- we don’t speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying,” one says.

The priest chuckles. “Ah. You’re probably wondering why everyone laughed at you.”
“Yes,” replied the other American.

“Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up.”

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Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable.

The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second.

All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says :

“You know what? One day they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die.”

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A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people. He’s wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering “Turkish got 3 problems.”

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say “Hey, yopu know what you’re wearing is insulting?” The Russian responds: “This is your first problem: You’re so easily offended.”

The Turkish respond: “Okay, maybe we should settle this outside.” The Russian: “That’s your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence.”

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: “And here’s your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights.”

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A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?”

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