A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly. She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.
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He looks the woman up and down, and says “Hm… Strange. It’s not your time! I’m sending you back.”

“Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?” she asks.

“Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!”
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She’s sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. “If I’m going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!” she happily thought.
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After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She’s hit by a bus and dies instantly.
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Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God.
“What in the world was that?!” she exclaims, “You said I was supposed to live until 108!”
God looks her up and down and says “Well I didn’t recognize you!”

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

“How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

Silence fell… then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: “So, what’s it gonna be?”
To which he replied, “meow”

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A man once was dating a woman with a twin. The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.
One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick.

She makes up a last minute excuse to leave the room and a minute or two late he hears what he assumes is her coming back into the room and climbing into bed.

They start making out and end up having incredible sex. At some point in the night they switched back.

He woke up next to his girlfriend and she smiled, asking if he enjoyed “our sex”. He explained to her he’d been onto them the whole time and that he knew it wasn’t her from the very start.

She looked at him shocked and asked how he knew.

He said, “your hands are smaller than his.”

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because the dog’s a damn liar. He never did any of that shit.”
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