There were 12 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Eleven were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn’t, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

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These two little martians land at a closed gas station in a small town in the middle of the night. The two little martians come out of their flying saucer and walk up to the gas pump and say “take me to your leader”. Well of course the gas pump doesn’t say anything and the little martian says it again “take me to your leader”. And the gas pump doesn’t respond again. Now the little martian is getting pretty mad and says again “take me to your leader” or I’ll zap you with my ray gun.

So the gas pump doesn’t respond again, the little martian pulls out his ray gun and BBZZZZZZZZZZZ BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM.
The two little martians come to about a block away one martian looks at the other and says “Harvey you should have known better, any guy that can take his peeker and wrap around himself two times and stick it in his ear has gotta be a mean S.O.B”.

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When I was twelve, I hoped that one day I would be dating a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

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While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head.

The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard.

The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.”

The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”

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