A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

“Jim, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Jim grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: “Really should use spell check! That should be ‘wifi'”

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An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. “That’d be 3 dollars”, says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, “Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing.”

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, “People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…”

“””””

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Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions. There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Forensic pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” to which pediatricians responded, “Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Podiatrists thought it was a huge step forward, but urologists were pissed off at the notion.

Anesthetists thought the whole idea was gas, and those lofty cardiologists just didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, though, the proctologists won out and the entire decision will be left up to the assholes.

“””””

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A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store. He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor.

As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager.

When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile.
One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday.

Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president.

Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake.
There was no punch line.

“““““

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