The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our H&X Nails line.”

A week later, the ad man comes back with a DVD and pops it into the DVD Player in the CEO’s office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, “H&Xnails: they get the job done.” The CEO is irritated and says, “That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!”

A week passes, and the ad man returns with another DVD. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, “H&X nails: they hold anything!” The CEO is furious and yells, “JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!”

Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third DVD. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, “We should have used H&X nails!”

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Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The Mother turns back to the two boys and says “We’re going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We’ll be right back. Okay?”

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what’s going on now and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad’s bedroom and shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes to his little brother. “Come with me,” he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says, “Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!”

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I was in a long line at McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I’d done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you.”, obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don’t honk your horn at old people.

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A man was in a long line at his local Walgreens store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, “One box of large condoms, Checkout 5.”

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, “One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5.”

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said… “Mop and bucket to Checkout 5”

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