Dugly was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning Dugly got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Dugly has been missing since Friday.

“””””

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A blonde takes a taxi to the airport. While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time.

He says:
“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”
The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”
The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically, and the blonde is later dropped off at the airport where she flies home to her husband.

Upon reuniting, she is anxious to tell her husband the riddle she heard.

She says:
“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”
Her husband replies “I don’t know, who is it?”
The blonde says “My taxi driver!”

“””””

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A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:

“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, replied the son of Erin “but it was the Irish who got women involved”

“””””

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. David’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Smith, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.

“””””

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