I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!

So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
?
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which I drank.

“””””

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Comrade Stalin is giving a speech in Russia.

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd – a factory worker named Boris – sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks “who sneezed?”.

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

“I ask again; who sneezed?”

In the fifth row Boris starts to sweat.

“Last chance…”

Boris is sweating bullets.

Stalin is visibly annoyed. “Very well. Commissars, take the first row out and shoot them.”

Political officers draw their pistols and take the first row of the auditorium at gunpoint. A volley of gunshots is heard a moment later.

Stalin turns back to the crowd who are stunned but too terrified to say anything.
“Well? Who sneezed?”

Boris is trembling in his seat.

“Alright then! Commisars, get the second row-”

Boris finally musters up the courage, springs to his feet, and raises his hand.

“It was me, Comrade Stalin! I was the one who sneezed!”

Stalin locks his cold eyes on Boris. The whole crowd is waiting in terror for his next words. Boris is trying his best not to soil himself.

After a long pause Stalin leans forward and says “Bless you”.

“””””

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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE …. HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'”

“””””

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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,'” asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the… “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”. Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

He said, “Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

“””””

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