The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

“I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

“””””

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe. A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman’s poodle.

The weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?” The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.” The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma’am, may I sit down? I’m very tired?” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?” This time, the Marine didn’t say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked, “Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!” An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

“””””

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Dugly and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dugly looks over at his wife and says: “Your ass is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s butt.

“Yes, I was right, your ass is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Dugly is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” Dugly asks.

She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

“””””

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On a small farm out in the country lived a farmer with his wife, his three sons, and his milk cow. No matter how hard he tried, the farmer could not get a single thing to grow on his land. Because of this, the only money the farmer could make was by selling the milk from the milk cow. Every day the farmer would wake up, verify that no crops had sprouted, milk the cow, take the milk into town to sell, buy necessities, and return just in time to help his wife finish cooking breakfast.

One morning, the farmer woke up, verified no crops had grown and went to milk the milk cow. To the farmer’s horror, he found the milk cow lying on the ground, dead. The farmer’s heart sank. He had less than a dollar to his name and would not be able to buy the necessities for his family. As the farmer knelt down next to the deceased milk cow, the farmer’s sadness became too much for him to handle. The farmer grabbed an old pistol he had stored from his time in the military, walked down to the riverbed where a large oak tree grew, sat against it and took his own life.

The sun rose over the horizon to send its rays through the top window of the farmhouse where the farmer’s wife was just waking up. She made her way downstairs to find that her husband had not yet returned from his daily trip into town. She walked outside to see that no crops had yet grown and went to check on the milk cow. To her horror, she found the milk cow laying dead on the ground. She immediately felt concern rush over her as she knew the fragile state her husband was in. She began to call the farmer’s name while searching the grounds of the farm. It wasn’t long before she noticed the lifeless body of the farmer near the tree by the riverbed. The sight of her one true love laying dead on the ground became too much for her to handle. She slumped down into his lifeless arms, took hold of the gun, and took her own life.

The second shot was enough to wake up the eldest son, 17 years of age. The eldest left his room to find that no breakfast was being cooked by his mother. He went outside to see that no crops were growing and that the milk cow was laying on the ground, dead. In a panic, he began running around the farm and out of the corner of his eye, saw his mother laying down by the tree growing along the riverbed. As he got closer, he noticed a bright red stain slowly growing on his mother’s white nightgown. It wasn’t until he was just 10 feet away that the truth of the matter hit him and he saw both of his parents dead on the ground.

Before the eldest brother could even form a thought of what to do, a leprechaun materialized in a puff of smoke next to the oak tree. “Seems like you’re having a rough day”, announced the leprechaun. “I’d say so!”, proclaimed the eldest son, “My mother and father are dead, and so is the milk cow! I have no idea how I’m going to take care of my brothers!”. The leprechaun continued, “Yeah, that is rough, but how about a deal? You make love to me for 30 minutes without stopping, I’ll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow”. Before the eldest son could reply, the leprechaun exclaimed “But! If you cannot, I will kill you dead!”. The eldest son thought to himself for a moment and figured the risk was worth bringing his parents back to life. Unfortunately, the stress and pressure of the whole event caused anxiety and the son was unable to perform. With a snap of the leprechaun’s fingers, he died.

The next to wake up was the middle son. He walked down stairs and was confused to not find his breakfast ready. He went outside to see that no crops were growing and that the milk cow was laying on the ground, dead. In a panic, he began running around the farm and out of the corner of his eye, saw his mother laying down by the tree growing along the riverbed. As he got closer, he noticed that not only was his mother stained with blood, but his father and older brother both lay there dead as well.

Before the middle son could even form a thought of what to do, a leprechaun materialized in a puff of smoke next to the oak tree. “Seems like you’re having a rough day”, announced the leprechaun. “I’d say so!”, proclaimed the middle son, “My mother, father and brother are dead, and so is the milk cow! I have no idea how I’m going to take care of my brother!”. The leprechaun continued, “Yeah, that is rough, but how about a deal? You make love to me for 30 minutes without stopping, I’ll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow”. Before the middle son could reply, the leprechaun exclaimed “But! If you cannot, I will kill you dead!”. The middle son thought to himself for a moment and figured the risk was worth bringing his parents and brother back to life. Unfortunately, while he did last a bit longer, the stress and pressure of the whole event caused anxiety and the son was unable to perform. With a snap of the leprechaun’s fingers, he died.

Finally, the youngest son awoke. He rushed to the kitchen just to be surprised by a lack of food. He went outside to see that no crops were growing and that the milk cow was laying on the ground, dead. In a panic, he began running around the farm and out of the corner of his eye, saw his mother laying down by the tree growing along the riverbed. As he got closer, he noticed that not only was his mother stained with blood, but his father and older brothers all lay there dead as well.

Before the youngest son could even form a thought of what to do, a leprechaun materialized in a puff of smoke next to the oak tree. “Seems like you’re having a rough day”, announced the leprechaun. “I’d say so!”, proclaimed the boy, “My mother, father and brothers are dead, and so is the milk cow! I have no idea how I’m going to take care of myself!”. The leprechaun continued, “Yeah, that is rough, but how about a deal? You make love to me for 30 minutes without stopping, I’ll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow”. Before the boy could reply, the leprechaun exclaimed “But! If you cannot, I will kill you dead!”. The boy thought for a moment and then asked, “What if I can make love to you for an hour without stopping?” The leprechaun began to roar with laughter. How could this boy make it an hour when his elders could not even manage half of that? Eventually, the leprechaun got ahold of himself and replied, still laughing, “If you can make love to me for an hour without stopping, I’ll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow, and I’ll give you my pot of gold”. The boy thought for a moment and then asked, “What if I can make love to you for two hours without stopping?” The leprechaun did not find this quite as funny as this line of questioning was becoming annoying. Nevertheless, the leprechaun responded, “If you can actually make love to me for two hours without stopping, I’ll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow, give you my pot of gold, and cast a spell on your land to grow luscious crops for the rest of your lives!” The boy thought for a moment longer and then replied, “Okay. That sounds good. But aren’t you a little worried? If I make love to you for two hours without stopping, that might kill you! I’m pretty sure that’s what killed the milk cow”.

“””””

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