Jim came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Jim showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Jim has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Jim.”

“””””

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Two grannies Helen and Patty were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.

Helen pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Patty: What’s that?

Helen: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Patty: Where did you get it?

Helen: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Patty hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Patty: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.

“””””

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A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals and they tell them: “You have full rights as employees, but you’re not allowed to eat anybody.”

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

“Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?”

The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says:

“No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence.”

The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he dismisses the Tribe.

Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his Tribe and asks: “Okay, which one of you idiots did it?”

A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits:

“I ate a secretary.”

The chief smacks the tribesman and yells:

“You fool! We’ve been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!”

“””””

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A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum. While he’s changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries.

He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain.

While he’s standing there staring at the spare with no lugs to secure it, scratching his head, he hears the patient on the other side of the fence say, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”

He calmly replies, “Yes?” The patient inquires, “Whatcha doin?” He explains his predicament and the patient asks, “Why don’t you just take one lug nut off the other 3 wheels and put them on the spare to get you where you’re going?”

The man, surprised, says, “That is a really good idea. Why they got you locked up in there? You’re really smart.” The patient replies, “I’m crazy, not stupid.”

“””””

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