After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair.

He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: “Listen,this guy’s a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to F*$ You,don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You.”

The wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!

“””””

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job. The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?” The president shows him a picture, and she’s hideous. The guy’s never seen anything like her.

The president says, “I know, she’s tough to look at. I could never tell her to her face, though. Also, it’s only fair to let you know she’s as dumb as a stump.”

The guy says, “Well, I don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”

The president says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary, a new Mercedes every two years, and I’ll build you a mansion on Long Island.” The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall. He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”

She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she brings it to him.

The guy says, “Get me some nails.”

She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she brings them to him.

The guy starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”

She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”

“””””

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The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” the President of France replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

The President paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. President, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” The President asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s tractor.”

The French President sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”

The French President was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya Mr. President. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says the French President. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners!”

“””””

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There was an old man sitting on his front porch. One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: “Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?”

“I’m gonna catch me some chickens down at the park”.

“You don’t catch chickens with chicken wire”

The old feller shakes his head in exasperation with the ‘youth of today’. Half an hour later, the kid rides past with 3 chickens bundled up in the chicken wire.

“Well I’ll be hornswoggled”.

The next day the kid rides past with a roll of duck tape on the handlebars of his bike. The old guy asks:
“Where are you heading with that duck tape son?”

“I’m gonna catch me some ducks down at the pond”.

“You don’t catch ducks with duck tape son”

The old feller shakes his head in exasperation with the ‘youth of today’. Half an hour later, the kid rides past with 3 ducks wrapped up in the duck tape.

“Well I’ll be hornswoggled”.

The next day the kid rides past with a couple of stalks of pussy willow. The old guys says:
“Hang on a second. I’ll get my hat’.

“””””

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