A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said, I want to open a fucking bank account.

Astonished, the lady replied, “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment.” With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that sort of language. They both return to the man. “What is the problem here, sir?”, the manager asks. “There is no fucking problem here.

I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my mother-fucking money in this mother-fucking bank.” “Oh…I see,” says the bank manager, “and is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?” Never mind I’m the fucking boss, let’s go to my fucking office.

“””””

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A housewife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The housewife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

“””””

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It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Teacher :- Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandra, who had his hand up:
Chandra :- ‘Patrick Henry, 1775,’.
‘Very good!
Teacher :- Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?”

Again, no response except from Chandra:- ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandra, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’
She heard a loud stage whisper: ‘Fuck the Indians.’
‘Who said that?’ she demanded. But Chandra put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’
Again, Chandra says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘ What a stupid son of a bitch!’
Chandra jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
‘Joe Biden to Peter Doocy, 2022.’

“””””

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’ Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple. ‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’ St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple. ‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a Catholic priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?

——-

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