So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he’s okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. ‘Sheriff,’ he says, ‘terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.’

Sheriff says, “What? You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?’ Gravedigger says reluctantly, “Well, they said they wasn’t, but you know how those fellas lie.

“””””
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Dugly had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, ‘Dugly, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Dugly was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.

Dugly laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Dugly tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Dugly admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Dugly thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Dugly and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Dugly was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Dugly tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Dugly walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Dugly thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36’.

Dugly laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.’

“””””

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”

“No, what?” asked the man.

“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.

“He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to sh!t out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

“””””

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Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.
“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am literally blind. How would they want me?” And he’s right. He comes out a few minutes later and hugs his friends that he doesn’t have to join the army because they don’t need a blind mole.

“Ok guys”, says the bear terrified. “Let’s face it. I am one of the biggest and most dangerous animals. I am the perfect soldier.” “I have an idea”, says the turtle slowly, “the most dangerous part of you are your teeth. Without your teeth you are not really dangerous. So if we just smash your teeth they won’t want you!” Reluctantly the bear agrees and the three friends start smashing the bears teeth.

Without teeth the bear enters the examination room and after 10 minutes comes out again with a hanging head and sad face. “So, you have to join army?”, the turtle asks carefully. The bear mumbles:”No, I’m too fat”

“””””

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